I've started to refer to this time as
“Jordan Time”...a time when I concentrate on well...me. Tonight I
got to have some good me time...good “Speez” time...as the kids
say. I went outside...got to sit down, smoke my pipe... play this
nylon string guitar I borrowed from a friend of mine. I even wore my
super skinny jeans and my beanie bought at a thrift store in
Wisconsin. It went along well with my discount slip-ons and thrift
store hoodie. I was channeling my inner Bon Iver singing in overly
high falseto and being all woodsie. I thought I should throw on a
flannel and after making a gold albumn crack open a barrel of
fermented backwoods maple syrup as a chaser. I have provided a
picture that some of you have been asking for for your viewing
enjoyment....I didn't take it...I am smoking a pipe...(Thanks to Meg for catching me being
picturesque.).. O enough of that! I got to think about this thing that happened today. I
think it was good but...well, let me explain.
Today I stole stuff, well, I didn't
mean to steal stuff, I guess I didn't really steal stuff...I almost
did. I didn't really tell myself I was stealing stuff....it was more
a glorified treasure hunt. It was just sort of an instinct that
kicked in.
So every year we have to go around and close down the halls on campus. We go through all the rooms, every single one. Anything that is left in the hall ways of the residence halls we move to recycling and we turn over as donations and that's all good, but then as it happens. On one day you and a small group of people go through each and every single room in a single living area, and in there people leave drawers full of stuff, money and clothes and fun little trinkets. And all this stuff that your supposed to leave. We “bag and tag” it. This basically means we load people's stuff into large black backs and label it and put it in cold storage for them to come back and get. Once we are done with that it it can stay there for up to an entire year and then most of it will be given to charity...or something.
For some rooms though, when there
wasn't a certain dollar amount of merchandise, if it wasn't worth it
for people to pay our storage charges...we just left it..I wasn't
really sure what happened to all the stuff we left.
And this type of thought followed me
around a little bit...the little voice that says... “that's
cool...I wonder where those head phones are going...don't you wonder
Jordan?” And I say “Why yes,...Yes Voice I do.”
The other day, I broke my head phones.
I felt like God gave me one of his little “Jordan prompts.” I do
not have a better phrase for that so...don't judge me....for those of
you who don't know me and/or aren't Christians...well...just let me
have this for the sake of this piece ok? God's little voice inside my
head was like “Hey Jordan, wear your Big Head Phones.” And I was
all “But God, my big head phones are inconvenient for this task”
And he was all “Wear them.” When I said “Emmm....” He was all
“Ok ok, just wear the little ones it's cool. I got you.” And I
was like “I still don't feel awesome about that but...ok cause
that's what I want to do anyway.” About a minute later I walked out
of my bedroom and promptly did that thing where your ear phone cord
catches on something solid...say, your bed post and then gets ripped
out of your ears. It may even stretch or even rip the wires in the
thin rubber protection, this rendering the headphones “broke.”
Ya...so...that happened and I was all like “Ahh...that could have
been why you said bring the big head phones so they wouldn't break on
the bed” And he was all “...told you....but I still got you.”
And I was like... “I know I suppose if you were gonna take those
you can provide something else...” and he was like, “just trust
me” and I was like “aright.”
So today as we were going through the
rooms there was one that was just trashed, but this room has some
high-price tag merchandise. Just chillin on this dresser next to
matches, gum, a nail clippers, and half used Noxzema there was a pair
of probably 200 dollar inner ear head phones. I'm not gonna lie, my
first reaction was just to leave them on the dresser. I thought
perhaps if they just stayed on the dresser long enough...maybe...by
some chance...I would end up with them. I knew if they went in the
bag they were dead to me. So I knew it wasn't probably likely...but I
wanted them out of the bag...the dresser meant life for my little
inner ear head phone dreams. I wanted God to say “Here they
are...your new inner ear head phones!” but I wasn't sure and had
virtually no grounds to make that a remote possibility.
I didn't take them...I showed the group
with me and placed them...with much sadness...in the bag.
Much of the day went like
this...nothing else big, but these little things that we had to leave
were catching my eyes.
I was told by another employee that he
thought everything go thrown away by janitorial staff later...me
being a good Samaritan thought I would free our landfills of
unnecessary waste product and would do my duty as an American citizen
by filching left overs to my office.
After we got done I went back around
and took some stuff that was left that I thought was going to be
thrown away...I took matches and Chicken Noodle Soup ….just little
things, things that don't really matter. But there started to be this
weight of conviction that was like a heavy blanket settling upon my
shoulders.
When I had put those lovely headphones
in the bag earlier, I had felt good like. I knew I didn't really
“need” them and if God needed me to have these headphones he
would provide them another way. It was somewhere I could sacrifice to
his provision.
And then I found myself, after I had
given the big thing away, and felt that goodness, just feeling like
I'd done what was right so my guard came down.
I went back to my office and saw the
cake plan full of goodies I'd collected. It was a ten year olds
treasure chest; matches, gum, pennies, soap...ok maybe not a ten year
olds treasure chest with soap, but it was mine and it was a fools
chest...with fools gold.
I had a couple of errands to run down
at the main office and I knew my supervisors would still be there.
The first was on the phone so I just went past his office...I asked
another co-worker and she didn't know but what I really wanted was
somebody to tell me “just take it, it's no big deal” and give me
a knowing smile just to relieve my conscious.
There was one more stop I should make.
I really wanted to ask like I wanted to put those headphones in the
bag. Even though I didn't know it was wrong technically, I knew there
was a part of me that thought it might be, and because of that I
didn't want to ask. I was afraid I might be told no.
When I did ask I was met with an
emphatic “No!” After some explaining I was told I didn't need to
go return it all, it was miscellaneous stuff, nothing of value, but
that tomorrow I should just start over....Nothing could leave a
student's room.
As I returned to my office I started
slowly, then with quickening speed. I returned the goods each to a
different room and went back to my office. I didn't have to, but I
needed to, for me.
I had gone over hours but wasn't about
to count that time against my paycheck. “What a fool!” I thought.
Is this really what I am willing to be?
For what was I searching, just to have
more treasures for me and mine. I suppose it is easy to understand a
selfish desire for a big thing, we can all forgive those because we
know them. We all experience them....It was harder to understand a
selfish desire for small things...a pie plate of nothings. And yet, I
almost didn't catch that it was a problem. I could have almost busied
my mind with another task and forgotten it until the angst left. It
was so small it was almost excusable...but it was the meal worm in
the apple. The little bug of a thing in me that just wanted to be
forgotten and burrow deeper...It liked it's home down there in the
selfish darkness of my soul. I know it was just one...there are
others in there I'm sure...we all have them. But I suppose some part
of me was happy to offer back to God a pie plate of nothings, to
catch a little bug at his work. It is only then that I can trust Him
to give me better, and not better trinkets, but better desires,
better hopes, better dreams.
Jesus lived a life, one tired from
exhaustion half the time, single, celibate, homeless, etc, and yet he
went...he lived and even died and I don't think just as a broken
fleshy being hoping for something more than life as a carpenters son,
but he died as the most fulfilled man on this planet. His cause was
the love of God, the Spirit of God, and in so knowing that, he found
a treasure worth the cost of Himself.
A sacrifice of head phones that were
never mine hardly makes me a martyr...but it is good to remember his
sovereignty is better than my plans, his blessings maybe poverty or
wealth, but both are only valuable in the hands of He that provided
them. Giving of our wealth or even our lack of resources back to God
is an act of trust that He can and will provide that which we need.
Thanks for Reading,
J-Speezy
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