If it weren't for that one night when I
was 15...one 15 minute period really...my life would look totally
different. I suppose we could all see that on the way to that moment
and since there is a dizzying array of events that could have changed
everything too...but they didn't and this did. There are little
bends in life, different footfalls on the same path, but then there
are other paths, paths almost completely untraveled covered my moss
and lichen. These paths change everything.
I often feel isolated because of my
path, but I wouldn't be who I am without it.
I think what it comes down to for me is
that the best moments of my life, when I find myself most complete,
most known both by someone else and in understanding myself is when I
find myself in the presence of the maker of that path...when I again
sit in the moments where everything changed. Even still today 14
years later, when I meet him again all else faded to insignificance
and the greatest moments of my life before or since fade to vague
blips on my emotional radar, they are nothing by comparison.
I believe when I know Him, when I
remember Him, I know myself. I believe I find myself and my reason
for my existence in the often read quote by St. Augustine that
states, “God has made us for Himself, (and) our hearts are restless until they rest in Him ”
As you have read, I often find myself
restless, I find myself so, almost anytime something matters to me
more than my creation relationship to the creator, anytime something
temporal is worshiped over the eternal...and this is most of the
time...thus the back and forth swing of my emotions, self identity,
and spiritual life...the continual bringing under the control of God
that which belongs to God, and finds it's meaning therein.
This I believe true as the most
foundational truth of humanity...True Happiness is not found in any
other reward than that of being united with God. If I seek any other
reward besides God Himself, I may get my reward, but I cannot truly
be happy.
If it were not for those 15 minutes at
age 15...I would not know such happiness exists...I would not know
such fulfillment could soak through soul and spirit, mind and body. I
would not know what happiness was....everything else I have ever
felt, love and loss, beauty and pain, triumph and failure....all pail
in the encompassing moments I spent with my Father.
“A pure intention sees that the will
of God is always good. An impure intention, without doubting in
theory that God wills what is universally best, practically doubts
that He can always will what is best for me in willing what is best
for all. And so the man whose intention is not pure in compelled by
his own weakness and imprudence to pass judgment on the will of God
before he obeys it. He is not free to do the will of God with perfect
generosity. He diminishes his love and his obedience by making an
adjustment between God's will and his own, and so the will of God
comes to have for him , a variety of values; richer when it is more
pleasing to him, poorer when it offers less immediate satisfaction,
valueless when it demands a sacrifice of his own selfish interests.”
(Thomas Merton, No man is an Island, p. 57)
Many of you may not enjoy or understand
those statements...maybe they are scary to you or different...or
compelling...I don't know. I don't need them to be any of those
things. All I am saying is I am familiar with my own compromise...my
own failure to live, love and hope in that which I know to be good. I
fail at loving God as I fail at loving people. I am a selfish douche
what can I say...
but I am a selfish douche that wishes
to love better, live better, and love my God better, because I know
true happiness, in my heart, comes from knowing that which is beyond
me....the person of Love, the author and perfecter of my faith and
life ...to know and trust in His faithfulness and given life and
love... that is all I truly want...
Thanks for reading...
JS
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