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I thought I'd share with you all one of my journals tonight....

I am not sure if I am being tested, or maybe I've never asked the question of people, but I have had a couple people message me out of no where or imply via our conversations that they did not believe the things I have struggled with are wrong...God doesn't care about them, He loves me. And I agree, He will always love me but I struggle with this view point, although I understand why. It is so hard to say it's wrong when what it seems you are saying no to is "love." ...

I suppose I am not saying no to love, however, I am saying no to not trusting the person who claims to be love, whom I have met as love. One of my friends said of a piece of writing she had read, from one of my early chapters, that it was hard to hear about, the heartache, to think that God would allow such fevers of the heart. She said she thought God was probably ok with it in her opinion, that life was meant to be more rich than I was allowing msyelf to know.

I said to one such friend, when she commented on such a lost love, that it truthfully ought to be said, he should be greatful on some level, this said love, had he been given opportunity to fulfill my hopes and desires, never could have lived up to my epectations, & I think that's true.

In my opinion, God doesn't hate love. He hates false idols. He hates the things we say "I love ____" when we have no sense of what provided ______ or even that the love we recieve from _______ is gift in and of itself. When we desire sex, or any man or any woman more than we desire God we misplace affection and fall in love with the image - but the image in the mirror can not be held, coddled, or sought, after with any sense of relationship.

I am not a sniper or warrior. I long for love and peace but neither are in the church or without it withouth the selfless love come down from high. The law and gospel are more about gospel than law, but neither exist withouth the other, the law, as love, is just. It is built into it's character.

Trust is part of the journey and I am trusting that what I believe is found in the truth we've been provided by God. And if He says it, I ought trust that it is true. It is the journey here I suppose that is amazing. I can only wait, wonder at it, and believe there is more than the temporal, and that when God redirects my eyes it is not the object of my affection he hates, but the sorrow of his heart when the beloved of his eye does not trust and return the favor, the sacrifice of all other loves so that a True love may abound more.

I have been good here.  Thanks, and please continue to pray for me.
In Him,...in good hands
Love, JS 

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