MLK day...also known as Martin Luther King's birthday.
Today I was off of work and so went down to Tin Can books. It's this used book store on the corner of H near the plaza. It was the first time I'd been in there and it felt like a place out of a novel. The books shelves were tall, reaching to the ceiling, piled high with old books with folded and faded covers staring out at you from the shelves, all ancient and stoic. Even the fiction full of bright colors with creased bindings exuded a quiet joy, like they were happy to be there, like they'd found their true resting place...then again, maybe it was my joy they seemed to exude. Maybe I felt at home there a little bit, able to relax where I hadn't been in the last few days.
I made my way to the second floor. As I headed up the creaking wooden floorboards I let my hand run over the guide rail. It had been rubbed smooth with use and age. I wouldn't trust it to hold my weight but I let it lead me to the skylights I saw above that were beating down the midday heat on the floor.
A few rows down I saw a little enclave not lit by sun or bulb with a little stool at the end. I sat down and found myself in the Christian literature section. I looked around at the books near by. The enclave was chalk full, some of which I'd read, most I had not. I saw a small book by writer called Kathleen Norris that I had read during my time in Europe. It is a short devulgence of her experiences in a Cloister in North Dakota where she wrote over a period of time how she struggled with God, her marriage, and life.
These books sometimes remind me of the struggles we face on a daily basis, the issues all seem to boil down to something similar.
Yesterday I attended a church called New Heart. It was a good church, pretty real, pretty transparent and well, they filled the seats with people my age, played good tunes, and spoke of the idols of our hearts...and well that's right up my alley.
I think since I've moved to Arcata it's been a wash of color and moments, time has been a companion to the show God has been showing me. I mean it's all been passing in a rush of creative colors and people. My feelings have been versatile like a song in it's lyrics, breaks, and chorus's. This progression, however, didn't seem to be going anywhere, but I suppose that's the part I really liked about the song my life was playing. I didn't feel like I had to please anybody or go anywhere or be anything special. God was just showing me this world and He was in it with me. I felt like a kid standing with His Dad being led through a park and Him pointing out all the really cool stuff I wouldn't see without him. He would point and say “Hey look! It's a bird!” And I would say “Wow, that's really cool.” And then He would say “Hey look, there is a person who doesn't fit the mold of Christianity..I love him very much.” And I would say, “Ya, wow, that's really neat!” And I meant it. I didn't have to see people as projects. And I'm not projecting my issues on the American Church, I'm not teasing or calling anyone out. I'm calling me out. It was awesome to just be with Jesus and let Him show me his heart. I wasn't very good at it, but that's ok, He loved me too.
Anyway, the last few days have been a bit more dull. A bit more faux pas in relation to how I think things ought to be with Jesus. Walking through my day felt like I had lost a friend. One day, or maybe more slowly over a period of days, I woke up and felt a bit less like Jesus in me. I had been doing all the things you are supposed to do. In fact this new found time with Jesus has been really interesting in that I have just naturally started doing all those things you are supposed to want to do but usually don't have time for... or would have time for if you weren't busy watching Family Guy. I was reading my Bible, spending time reading other helpful books, I was praying about things I usually didn't pray about and trusting Jesus for big things. I was even journaling almost daily and really enjoying the process.
However, that's when the leak started. So, I started going back to those things. I read. I journaled. Then I started watching movies that I thought might inspire me. I tried listening to audiobooks I like... But that didn't fix anything. I suppose that brings me to what I've been learning.
The other day, after I left that church I was talking about, I went to Ramones Coffee Shop in McKinleyville. There was a devotion thing I read by Oswald Chambers there. The verse in question was about being alone with Jesus. He was talking about a lot of stuff and I'm not sure I got what he was trying to say. There was a lot of jargon...good jargon but jargon my mind didn't have time for, but I did walk away with something. He talked about the fussy things that crowd our minds. The things that stand in our minds like statues taking up space, being immovable constants, fighting for and seeking our attention. Things like body image, the food we eat, like the dress we prefer, and/or the people at work we have to please. I suppose, as I sat there I did realize in the last few days my life was less about how I could relax in Jesus and more about how I could control His reality. I know this is imperfect and the analogy breaks down, it's just how I'm thinking about it.
I'm a little narcissistic, I admit it. I care about how I look and what people think of me. I'm getting old..ish (Compared to my experience...gimme a break, actually old people!) and therefor self-conscious about the wrinkles in my forehead and the creases at my eyes. I don't like my love handles or the way my stomach has become a small barrel. I don't like that I don't have a successful book yet....I haven’t even tried getting published, but still. I don't like that I have no savings or job security! I want to be awesome but I'm not sure it can be that easily. I sometimes try to catch all the little things, music, clothes, hair, image, and somehow mold something more awesome out of it. I am not the sum of my images, although I suppose it is easy to fall into that thinking sometimes.
On the way out the door of the book shop with my new used copy of Kathleen Norris's Dakota I enjoyed the sun coming down on my face. I suppose the daily life with God is less about doing it right, than it is about seeing oneself as a child of God and trusting Him. Obedience, doing things right, it's important I suppose, but only in light of knowing the level you've been provided for, bringing God into the daily conversation, letting Him be the source of the water, and sun, and love, and when he says something is or isn't right we can trust He is the giver of all good gifts and when we struggle with Him or disagree we can take His hand in the Park again and know He is with us. He is guiding us. He is the judge of all good things, and knows their value and their timing in our lives.
When I was out in the Salt Flats still driving out to California it was like God was in the water I drank, or in the air I breathed. Out on road, in the mountains in Wyoming, or the fields and prairies of the mid-west, I was free to enjoy him in my day to day activity. I'm not sure what has happened but somewhere along the line I rested in him. But I suppose that was because He was all I had to care about.
While on the road, and early on when I didn't know anyone here, the statues lined up for my attention but they all stood behind Him and I only saw them standing there through Him. In that place they all seemed more silent, submissive, none voicetrously vying for my attention. They all, as I was doing, found their place, in light of His place, that is above and in control of all things. The daily issues will always end in the same way, the choice each wakeful morning to believe that He is my identity and from Him I, as all things, shall find their fuel and fire, true life.
Learning,
- JS
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